Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
