Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The beer is more important than you right now.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
