Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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