Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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