god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
