She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
