Are we in a gay sports bar?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize