We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
