Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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