I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
