I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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