he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
