I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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