tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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