I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
