That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
