your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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