I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
