The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
