we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize