Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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