shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
There's always time for handjobs
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
