just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
