He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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