im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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