So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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