I'm so fucking centered right now
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
