I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
