Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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