I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
