I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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