If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm really busy with my period
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