I skipped work to stalk him.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
