i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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