If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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