My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
