no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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