The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Randomize
