she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
