At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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