I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize