i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
