the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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