Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
