So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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