She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
