His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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