saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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