but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
