You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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