We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
