I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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