Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
