I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
