FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
