I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
