it wasn't lemon gatorade
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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