Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize