3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
People in love make me want to vomit
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
