There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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