Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
