Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
