Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
high people should be assigned attendants
Is it because I queefed?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize