Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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