Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize