I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Randomize
