had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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