Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
